– Ah, I make it just on half-past three.
– Eight, Holmes.
– What on earth are you talking about?
– Half-past eight, see.
– Watson, we are on New York time.
– Oh. Oh, well I’ve always found Greenwich time perfectly adequate to me needs. I see no reason for changing it now.
This month: New York! With a horribly miscast Roger Moore as Sherlock Holmes and a horribly misjudged John Watson in Patrick Macnee, Sherlock Holmes in New York is the story of a ruddy-cheeked and thoroughgoingly heterosexual consulting detective, his toffy-nosed dimwit sidekick, and their inexplicably beautiful girlfriend (Charlotte Derampling), who all harbour a dark secret, in the form of an appalling American moppet called Scott. Plus, all of the world’s gold has been stolen, or at least shifted to a nearby floor. Which is why, dear listener, it took us two attempts to work up the courage to even watch this.
– Actually, I wanted a word or five about the old Groupee,
official magazine you know, I’m acting as PRO.
– From the HQ?
– On TTR?
– JJV. seconded from RHB.
– Oh really, how’s the GCM.?
– 50 PPR.
– Downgraded to 007, eh?
This month, Steed and Mrs Peel are joined by John Le Mesurier, while we are joined again by Steven B, ably assisting us as we investigate various military bigwigs with improbable facial hair, who appear to be leaking valuable secrets to our enemies. Meanwhile, Diana Rigg’s Spotlight photo is getting one hell of a workout. Which is impossible to object to, really.
See the episode
As is now well established, Series 4 of The Avengers is also available in a lavish Blu-ray box set. Which is how we watched it. (Amazon US) (Amazon UK) (Amazon AU)
– Well, I don’t mind, really, but may I fix my face before I die? It’s in such a mess.
This month, we’re joined by Steven B from New to Who to investigate the theft by some puppets of the blueprints for a new atomic weapon. Inevitably, Lady Penelope gets tied to a bomb or something, and we have mere moments to locate her before she is completely exploded. The sets are lavish, the hardware is impressive and the eyebrow lifts are the most expensive and time-consuming eyebrow lifts until Rodge takes over as Bond. Thunderbirds are go, in The Man from MI.5.
Can I just have one nice evening before the world explodes?
After a disastrous attempt to record a commentary on No Time to Die results in several cinemagoers calling the police, we decide to regroup, get some drinks in, and hold a roundtable discussion of Daniel Craig’s last film in the role. So: when SPECTRE holds a Christmas drinks thing despite Covid restrictions and everyone ends up feeling quite unwell, James Bond, Felix Leiter and 007 (it’s complicated) team up (sort of) to find the renegade scientist responsible. A whole bunch of things happen, and a generation of Bond fans are scarred for life as a result.
Be warned. There will be spoilers.
Here is a link to the #IAmNotYourVillain campaign by Changing Faces UK, which calls on filmmakers to stop using scars and disfigurement as a signifier of villainy.
See the film
The film is currently screening in a cinema new you, at last. Streaming and DVDs and things will all come later.
We’re also on Facebook, and you can check out our website at bondfinger.com. And if you rate or review us on Apple Podcasts, we won’t suggest that the Bond producers abandon facial disfigurement as a signifier of villainy and start making all their villains avid podcast listeners instead.
This month, advertising account executive Gary Fenn (Roger Moore) and fiery underwear model Marla Kougash (Claudie Lange) find themselves on the run as they try to foil a violent fascist takeover of Great Britain. Meanwhile Richard (Martha Hyer), James (Dudley Sutton), Brendan (Mark Ruffalo) and Nathan (an extremely rosaceous Sir Bernard Lee) take copious liquid advantage of the recent lifting of Sydney’s lockdown by slurring their way through the long-forgotten quota quickie Crossplot.
– You’re not the first person to pass through my hands, Stirling.
– I never thought I was.
– They all broke eventually.
– I’ll try and spoil your record.
This month, James finds himself drugged, sweaty and trapped in a prison cell with a wastepaper basket and no visible means of escape, while Richard insistently questions him about the identity of the mysterious Renfield or something. Meanwhile, Brendan and Nathan flap about uselessly outside. It sounds like a job for The Champions.
– Oh, but that’s three octaves above high C! Nobody’s ever done it before! My voice would be gone! I’d rather die!
Holy Peripheral Relevance, Batman! This month, the Dynamic — er — Four have pursued patron-saint-of-the-podcast Joan Collins to Gotham City, where she makes a surprising guest appearance in an episode of Batman as the mesmeric Lorelei Circe, whose voice has an uncanny power over heterosexual men. (Fortunately we’re all very neatly tucked and wearing the Bat-Earplugs for this one.)
– No. You look rather ch— Don’t move, stay where you are, put your hands over your head and lean against the wall.
– Nor am I a contortionist.
This month, it’s a queasy mixture of the Swinging Sixties and the Punching-People-in-the-Face Seventies, as Steed, Purdey and Gambit try to discover who is encouraging so many sweaty government security personnel to discotheque themselves to death, and why. It’s The New Avengers in Angels of Death.
Then he’s blessed. I’m forever plucking stray hairs from my comb and brush. Positively demoralizing, but an inescapable part of the human condition. Hmm? Does any of this say anything to you Miss Holt? It does to me. It fairly shouts Remington Steele is an elaborate ruse. He does not exist. You invented him.
This week, we answer the eternal question, “Why the hell are we watching this?” with a resounding “Dunno”, as we plumb the depths of Reagan-Era film-noir-lite with the first episode of the TV show that gave the world Pierce Brosnan — Remington Steele.
– Oh well, sir, in that case, some of the credit must go to Drake here. I mean the men in the field.
— Rubbish, the glamour boys always get all the credit. I hope you don’t mind my saying this, Drake.
– On the contrary Mr. Ambassador, it is the man behind the desk who does all the planning, all the real thinking. We just carry out orders.
This month, we’re off to Geneva to rescue the handsome Captain Munro from Spearhead from Space, who has been abducted and held captive in the Romanian Embassy by some people who are apparently doing the accent. It’s a jolly old heist, involving Patrick McGoohan, the lovely Jane Merrow, Mr Range from Frontios and, in the true spirit of the Kate O’Marathon, Kate O’Mara herself. For a few minutes.